


Hope still finds us in the dark

by poeticeclipse



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Breastfeeding, Caretaking, Diapers, Dystopian, Enemas, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Wetting, infantilisim, uniquebiology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:53:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23751133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poeticeclipse/pseuds/poeticeclipse
Summary: Pam has grieved her infertility for years now and is ready to give up hope when the State nursery at long last presents a possible match she and Jim may just get the family they've always longed for
Relationships: Jim Halpert/Ryan Howard, Pam Beesly/Jim Halpert, Pam Beesly/Jim Halpert/Ryan Howard, Pam Beesly/Ryan Howard
Kudos: 26





	Hope still finds us in the dark

It's 12:35, but Pam can't sleep. Wind stirs the navy curtains through the half opened bedroom window. She watches them dance in the moonlight, tiredly bringing a hand up to rub her aching chest.  
It's nights like these that make her despondent.  
Nights when she lies awake, body punishing her for what she can't have.  
Jim snores soundly from beside her.  
Not long after they had gotten together, years ago now, they had discussed their desire for children and starting a family. A dream that's been trampled many times over now.  
And though she's unable to conceive, she's still of age to produce milk monthly regardless, and with no nursling to nourish she's forced to pump, an extremely painful process for her, her breast swell so full and tight she lays in bed hours at a time recovering from the pain.  
Unfortunately she produces a lot of milk.  
A lot. More than a typical nursling could stomach which is why they've had trouble adopting from the state run nursery.  
The nurslings there of course are full grown but, as all nurslings are, completely dependent on parental figures.  
She startles as Jim's hand settles next to hers, rubbing tenderly. 

"Maybe we should try the nursery again," he says softly. He hates to see her suffer like this month after month. 

"Sure," she breathes smiling tight. She knows better than to hope.

***

When the sun begins to streak the sky in golden hues, she slides from bed and pads quietly to the kitchen to start the coffee. It will take them just over an hour by electric railer to reach the state sanctioned district of the city, with its municipals, order enforcement stations, even specialty shops with exotic imports only sold within the confines of the state circle and, more importantly, the Saint Hope's nursling rehabilitation and adoption center.  
Jim comes in buttoning his shirt and rubbing sleep from his eyes. He leans in kissing her goodmorning. 

"Did you sleep at all?" He murmurs, rubbing her hip. 

"I'm fine." 

He reaches out tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "We could go to the market after," he says once the silence has begun to stretch. "Get some of that noddy bread you like." 

She knows what he's trying to do, calm her nerves, give her something special to look forward to. As if that would soften the blow of returning childless. 

"Coffee's finished," she says stepping away. "I'm going to fix my hair." 

He sighs leaning back against the counter watching her go. He wishes more than anything he could ease the pain in her eyes.

They bundle into their coats and walk hand in hand down to the railer station.  
Clouds move in to cast a grey hue upon the day. Pam glances up squinting at the sky hoping this isn't a foreshadowing to their day. 

"Identification and reason for visit." The rail officer cites behind the glass. 

Jim hands his card over. "We're heading to the adoption center," he informs. 

The man hums uninterested, filling out a fourm and passing it over. "You have twelve hours. Next!" 

Like they don't know when their time in the city will expire. Minding their feet on the rickety steps to the platform they wait in the murky dusk for railer B to come barreling down the tunnel. Rats skitter from the shadows as the headlight from the railer stretches across the track, sea foam green paint flecks from the door as it slides open with a dull clang.

The ride is uneventful though her nerves manage to settle a bit, not that they dont all come rushing back as they step outside, everything's bigger, faster, louder here and it overwhelms her. Tucking herself to Jim's side she follows him down the sidewalk weaving through hordes of city dwellers in a hurry to be somewhere.

Saint Hope's is a large building with gleaming windows; from the outside it looks very modern and in style with the rest of the city but inside it's much more dated.

Walking in the building sends a pang through her chest. Brightly lit halls and waiting rooms full of hope. They take a seat next to the other perspective parents. It's easy to tell whose first time it is, they fidget and twitter, faces full of smiles as they flip through magazines planning the day they get to take their nursling home. Pam doesn't fidget, doesn't bother to look around the room at the stock photos lining the walls of handsome, happy families. Jim puts an arm around her squeezing. 

"Mr and Mrs Halpert?" The receptionist beckons them. "Head nurse Ima will see you now."

"Thank you," they mumble politely. Standing and following her back to the office.

"Ah, Jim, Pam, please come in," she smiles. "I was going to call you."

"You were?" Jim asks surprised.

"Yes, you see we've recently taken in a new nursling and I've been thinking he may  
be a match for you." 

"Oh, really, are you sure?" Pam asks. fighting to stamp down that small bit of hope that stubbornly flickers. 

"Yes. He's full grown of course, but much younger than our typical take ins," her voice drops to a hush. "He was unfortunately abused by his biological parentals and therefore seized by the state; frightfully skittish and malnourished, he hasn't latched or nourished a bit since he's been here. It's a bit of a long shot but if we can get a bond between the two of you and he latches we could train him to take all your milk." 

Pam looks to Jim with shining eyes. 

"It's worth a shot," he says squeezing her hand. 

"Excellent." Ima says. "We can introduce you to him today and start work right away." She shuffles a few papers on her desk glancing at Jim. "Only nursing mothers are allowed in the room at present." 

He understands the rules. He does. But it pains him not to be apart of this process, the process that may well lead to the start of their family. 

"Of course," she hesitates. "I really shouldn't before you meet him and see if there's a connection, but we do have a photo on file." 

"Please," he says desperate. 

"Oh, alright," she smiles passing it over. 

The face looking back at them is no doubt frightened, but oh so beautiful; tousled dark curls, bright blue eyes that burn with depth. Pam's breath catches. That's him. That's her baby she decides. She can tell in Jim's face, the way he clutches at the photo, he wants him too. 

"What's his name?"

"Ryan."

In the hall Pam hugs him tight. "See you in a bit," she smiles tremulously. 

He brushes her cheek. "It'll be okay."  
He kisses her head, watching her disappear down the hall with the nurse. He lets out a sharp breath beginning to pace. He doesn't know if he should allow himself this desperate hope or forcefully quash it out now. Forcing himself to take a seat he flips through an outdated magazine and tries not to look at the clock.

Stepping into the nursery makes her heart race. The few times she's made it this far has always ended in disappointment.  
The room is cream with soft lighting, the smell of baby lotion and disinfectant in the air. Pictures of teddy bears and bunnies hang on the wall and there's a small sofa along one with a little table, abc blocks scattered across, a rocking chair, changing table, crib and full size cot for nursing mothers to be more comfortable. Ryan lies curled on the bed. Delicate ribs protrude against pale flesh, the soft green blanket is slung low enough for the peek of white to inform he's not yet potty trained and being matured he may never be. That's alright, she and Jim know taking on a babe is full time care and they're eager to begin their family regardless. 

"Ryan," the nurse says gently.  
"This is Pam. She's going to spend the day with you, alright?" 

He whimpers scooting back against the wall tugging the blanket to his chin. 

The nurse turns to her. "I'll leave you to it then. Press the call button if you need anything." 

"Thank you." 

Once she's gone Pam looks to Ryan, steeling herself.  
"Hi there," she says softly. He scoots further away. "That's alright. I'm just going to sit over here. Okay?" She walks over to the rocker, picking a picture book up from the table. "Do you mind if I look at your book?" She asks trying to peak his interest. He blinks at her warily.  
She smiles soothingly, opening the cover. "Once upon a time," she begins.

She reads to him from several childrens books. He watches intently all the while, fingers twisting in his blanket. When the books run out she tells him about her home, the little apartment she and Jim live in, about the magnolia tree you can see from the window; how sometimes birds will come and build nests and you can hear them sing so sweetly. His lids begin to droop tiredly though he fights it.  
She stands singing to him softly, eventually making her way to sit on the bed, gently reaching out to finger those curls. He whimpers fearfully body tense for several minutes but she continues to sing softly stroking his hair and though he never relaxes completely he does manage to fall asleep. 

She walks down the hall on cloud nine. Head nurse Ima has signed and stamped the official care card allowing them back into the city everyday with no time limit. Ryan didn't kick up a fuss over her being there and fell asleep in her presence, that was good enough for Ima to consider this bond possible though she has yet to try and nurse him. She's trying to keep her hope In check but she's already head over heels for him; those sweet eyes, his soft downy hair, he's just so perfect. She scolds herself for gushing.  
Jim stands immediately, rubbing his slacks. 

"How'd it go?"

She holds the card up. "We can come back tomorrow."

He huffs a laugh disbelieving, sweeping his hair back. "That's wonderful." He pulls her to him hugging tight.

"It's just the first step now, we still don't know if he'll take."

"What's he like?" He wants to know.

"Oh, Jim he's beautiful! He has the sweetest face, he never took his eyes off me."

"Well why would he," he grins brushing her cheek.

"Stop." she laughs slapping his hand away playfully.

He looks at her with soft eyes. "C'mon," he says stroking the side of her neck. "Let's go home."

He lays in bed that night staring at the ceiling. Praying they're not just getting their hopes up.

***

That becomes their routine for the next few days. Occasionally she'll sit beside him pressing blocks into his hand helping him close his fingers around them and stack them. The timid almost smile on his face when they crash makes her heart melt.

Today as they're walking back nurse Jenny says, "Today's the day. We need you to try to nurse him." 

Pam's been half dreading half anticipating this day. She's terrified he won't take and all the work they've built up will be ruined, and worse, he won't get the nutrients he so desperately needs and will continue to dehydrate. 

They step into the room and go through their usual greeting. "Whenever you're ready," Jenny says. Slowly Pam slides her shirt off and unclasps her bra groaning slightly at the relief of letting them hang free. Ryan watches her, not moving.  
Walking over she sits beside him smoothing his hair back.  
Leaning in close, allowing him the chance to back away, she gently presses a nipple to his lips. He whimpers. "It's alright darling. I know you must be so hungry." He's tenitive, like he's unsure of what to do, tongue darting out then In. She cups the back of his head. "That's it darlin open up for momma." She presses futher into his mouth stroking his neck forcing him to swallow. It starts to click when the first spurt of milk hits his tongue. She squeezes her breast encouraging the flow. He leans in a bit more eager now. "That's it honey," she coos encouragingly. He takes her nipple in his mouth a second time finally giving a proper suck. She breathes out in relief, so much nicer than the intrusive pump. "There's a good boy," she murmurs rubbing his side. He watches her lazily, nuzzling closer and taking long pulls from her breast. The nurse is giddy in excitement.  
He's only able to take three fourths of her breast before he starts to cough, spit up dribbling down his chin. She wipes it away tenderly, pulling him against her chest and patting his back. His little tummy poking out sated and full. She smiles rubbing his belly. "My big boy all full?" He whines and shocks them all with a drowsy. "Mommy."

"He's doing wonderful." Jenny coos a few days later. "He's finally taking in enough milk and had his first wet diaper last night." That's an huge development. Jim breathes out a sigh of relief smiling at Pam and giving her shoulder a loving squeeze. "We feel now's a good time to introduce Jim." Pam beams. "I can't wait for you to meet him."  
"Me either." He runs a shaky hand through his hair excited.

Pictures don't do him justice. Jim's chest tightens watching him sleep.  
He rubs his face against the pillow, eyes blinking open.  
He crys when he sees Jim.  
"Hey, hey," Pam says quickly, coming to sit beside him. "This is Jim. Remember I told you about him? He's not going to hurt you honey." She rubs his arm.  
He buries his face against her continuing to cry.  
Jim looks devastated but he forces a smile. "It's nice to see you, Ryan. Pam's told me a lot about you. You like bunnies, don't you." He asks cautiously holding up the little plush rabbit he bought for him. Ryan stares at it holding tight to Pam. She takes it holding it up for him. "Look what daddy brought you." He tucks his face against her shoulder. "Do you want to hold him? He's soft," she says gently running the bunny's ear against his cheek. His fingers slowly inch there way up after several minutes to close around the rabbit's foot. She smiles at Jim. "I think he likes it."  
"I'm glad," he says softly. Ryan shrinks at his voice.  
Jim winces but doesn't take it personally. He knows his biological father beat him and hes more fearful of male figures because of it. He pulls a chair over a few feet from the bed so he's not too close but still can see him. He watches Pam stroke his hair, face tender. He loves seeing her so happy.  
"Its almost nine. You hungry darling?" She asks, softly brushing his cheek. He glances at Jim whining. He clearly doesn't want him here.  
"Daddy will stay right over there. There's nothing to be afraid of honey, I'm right here," she says reaching to loosen the buttons of her top, letting her breast spill out. They hang low and heavy swollen with milk.  
She cups jaw drawing him to her. His lips latch around her nipple instantly, nursing noisily. She sighs at the sheer ecstasy of having her milk gently suckled from her breast as opposed to the clunky machines shes had to use in the past. Jim smiles pleased to see such an appetite. "Good boy, Ryan," he says softly.

It takes days of steady encouragement from Pam before he can sit on the end of the bed, and even then he clings to her.  
"I'm not going to hurt you, Ryan," he murmurs, gently touching his leg.  
He buries closer to Pam whining.  
Three days of this and the nurse announces.  
"We'd love it if Jim could take more responsibility in these sessions to help their bond grow. Perhaps while momma's nursing daddy could give diaper changing a go?"  
"Sure," Jim agrees. Though he doesn't imagine Ryan will be too thrilled.

He sits on the side of the bed next to Pam while she nurses. Carefully reaching to undo the drawstring of his pants.  
He starts to whine immediately.  
"Shh," Pam shushes. "Let daddy change you sweetheart."  
Jim tugs his pants down. The diaper's swollen thick around his crotch. "That's a good boy Ryan," Jim says evenly, stroking his leg. Even though Jenny had said he's wet before he's still surprised at the amount. Dehydration in nursling's is a serious concern that can wreak havoc on their bowls and genitals. Untaping the sides he tugs it down between his legs. "Good boy, Ryan. Good boy for filling your nappy." He gets one of the warm wipes gently and thoroughly cleaning his bottom and sensitive cocklet.  
"Such a good boy for us," Pam soothes, rubbing his tummy as he kicks up a fuss when Jim has to roll his folds back and clean around his tip.  
"All done," Jim soothes, fastening a fresh diaper on and tugging his pants back up. Ryan scowls but he didn't get kicked in the face so Jim counts it as a win.

He didn't believe Jenny at first when she said changing his diapers would help them bond, but it does. He stops kicking after about the fourth one, eventually laying limp letting Jim clean him while sucking his fingers and watching with curious eyes. Eventually he's able to lay beside them while he nurses, Ryan's hand coming up hesitantly to rub the side of his face.  
"I think he likes your beard." Pam laughs.  
Jim smiles at him nuzzling his palm, making him giggle. He lives for those giggles.

He starts to get his strength back enough to start walking, more of a toddle really with his muscles locked up from disuse. They sit watching him play, casting smiles at each other. Their little family beginning to look like a possiblity. Head nurse Ima has already started the paperwork.  
"we'll get paint this weekend," Jim promises. A beautiful light blue for their baby's room.  
"Alright," Pam agrees, eyes shining.  
Ryan comes to Jim's side. "Daddy, wet."  
"Wet darling?" He feels his crotch. "Yep, you're sagging Mr. Come lay down and let daddy change you."  
Pam watches them. Heart full.

Of course nothing is ever easy for them.  
The state has enforced new regulations Ima announces two days before they're supposed to take him home. "He has to be bonded to each of you for you to take him."  
"Okay," Pam says slowly. "He's already accepted Jim."  
"It's not just that."  
"What then?"  
"He needs to be able to get through a night without you and thrive."  
"No."  
"Mrs. Halpert."  
"I'm not leaving him." She hasn't been from his side longer than twelve hours since starting this process.  
"I'm sorry. The rules are in place."

"It's not fair!" She crys in the hall. Hot tears sliding down her cheeks.  
"Hey," Jim soothes, tucking her to his chest.  
"I know it hurts, but I'll be there, and tomorrow we take him home for good, okay?"  
"He's my baby. It's not right I can't be with him," she chokes.  
"I know," he whispers against her head, heart breaking. After everything she's been through it kills him to see the fear in her eyes.  
He tries in vain to swallow his own worry.

Being away from Pam, her scent, her milk, has made him go into withdrawal, getting physically ill. He cries, "Mommy? Mommy!" He chokes.  
Jim's fist clench, standing outside the room watching through the one way window. Ryan knows she's supposed to be here. He's probably terrified not knowing what's going on.  
"Let me go to him," he begs.  
"Not till he calls for you."  
"Mommy!"

Hours pass.  
He'll never call for me Jim thinks, terrified they might actually lose him after coming so far.

At two in the morning his voice croaks out timidly. "Daddy?"  
"That's it. He's called me. He's called for me let me go to him."  
The nurse smiles handing him a bottle.  
He takes it ignoring the smile and slides into the room yanking his shirt over his head. Though Ryan's feverish his body trembles and Jim knows nurslings crave skin to skin when under duress.  
"Shh, shh, shh," he soothes. "I'm here." "Daddy," he cries.  
Jim lifts him up walking the room with him, rubbing his fevered back.  
"'m mommy!" He sobs against Jim's neck.  
"I know, I know honey, you don't feel good." He kisses his head. "Mommy will be here in the morning but right now I need you to be my big brave boy and eat for me and try to get some rest and in the morning we can see mommy, okay?"

It takes over two hours of coaxing and cajoling and basically feeling like a failure before Jim gets him to take his bottle, and an hour more of pacing and humming for him to calm enough to sleep.

He manages to doze off at some point after putting Ryan down and wakes to his wailing.  
He's crying so hard face streaked with tears.  
"There, there, honey. What's the matter?" He jumps up getting him from his crib.  
He wails grabbing at himself.  
Jim gets him to the changing table tugging the diaper away to reveal a very sore and angry looking little cocklet. The tip red and inflamed. It looks downright painful, not only that, but his diaper is completely dry. Jim feels his blood boil. Obviously the formula they provided has caused a reaction.  
"Alright, honey. Alright," Jim soothes, rummaging through the the basket of supplies for something to help with the pain. Thankfully the nursery's fully stocked and he's able to find an ointment for UTI's. "Daddy will get you fixed up baby," he promises. Squirting the ointment onto his finger and gently rubbing over his swollen little tip. Making sure to coat it thoroughly he takes him gently between his fingers keeping him aimed at the diaper's absorbent front while gently pressing against his belly.  
He releases a steady stream of piss.  
"There you go. Good job darling let it out."  
He cries sobbing throughout.  
"There, there, baby almost done."  
The last bit dribbles down his cock and Jim throws the soiled diaper away. Rubbing him in diaper cream and powder, carefully tucking in his swollen cock head before taping the fresh nappy up. "Oh my poor boy." He lifts him up kissing his head.

Pam's livid when she finds out and screams at the nurse angrily. But in the end they're taking him home and that's what Jim keeps reminding himself of as paces the room with Ryan in his arms. 

Pam tucks him into his jacket and tugs his knit cap on.  
"Ready to go home buddy?" Jim asks shouldering his bag. He feels his slim fingers flex in his. Pam takes his other hand and they guide him outside.  
Being isolated most of his life he's quickly overwhelmed with the noise and bustle of the city. He shivers pressing closer to Jim. It will be quieter in the railer he promises tucking an arm around him.  
He sits between them, wide eyes taking everything in.  
Jim reaches over tugging his thumb from his lips. Digging through the diaper bag he comes up with a paci to press in instead. He's glad the nursery supplied them with several.  
Paci's are specially designed to fit individual nurslings mouths to help keep their teeth from becoming misaligned from thumb sucking.  
He leans against Jim's shoulder, bunny in one hand, the other clutching Pam's.  
He's usually much more a momma's boy but Jim figures all the sights and sounds overwhelm him and his larger presence makes him feel safe. Of course that may change when they reach home, but for now he'll enjoy it.  
"My, what a beautiful family you have." An elderly lady titters in passing.  
"Thank you," he says, looking over at Pam and smiling.

Ryan handles the long ride like a champ. Only becoming fussy in the last twenty minutes. Jim stands and walks with him until their stop is announced.

The sun is beginning to set when they reach their street, casting long shadows down the sidewalk. Wind blows a few magnolia blossoms free from the tree outside their apartment, pale pink buds float to the pavement like a welcome toss of confetti.  
Ryan beams wiggling in Jim's arms and pointing.  
He carries him over and lets him feel the bark.  
"bir'?" He asks tipping his head.  
Pam smiles. "Maybe we'll hear birds in the morning," she says rubbing his arm.

He's unsure of this new place and clings to Pam all the more. "You want to come see your room sweetheart?" Pam leads him to the nursery. "Daddy painted it so pretty for you."  
The walls are pale blue with fluffy white clouds painted along the top, stuffed animals and books line the shelves and a beautiful quilt depicting teddy bears having a picnic makes up the crib.  
Ryan crys when he sees the crib turning and clinging to Pam.  
"I don't think he's too impressed with his bed," she says wryly, stroking his hair.  
"That's alright, it's been a rough day. He can sleep with us for tonight."

His skin still slightly fevered they put him to bed in just a diaper.  
He falls asleep in the middle of nursing, leg thrown over Pam, face nuzzled between her breast.  
"Poor guy's exhausted," Jim murmurs stroking his back.  
"I can't believe he's really here."  
Jim leans over kissing her gently. "Believe it mama." He smiles against her lips.  
She slides a hand in his hair.  
"Hey," he says softly. "I have the day off tomorrow, what do you say we take him down to the park for a bit."  
"Sounds good," she smiles yawning.  
"Get some sleep," he chuckles kissing her head.  
"Mmm," she hums already drifting.

"Mommy, Daddy, look!" Ryan chirps happily, waving at the baby ducks in the pond.  
"I see baby. Don't get too close." Pam says walking along behind him hand in hand with Jim.  
"What's?" he asks, mouth clumsy on the words.  
"That's a duck sweetheart."  
"Duc," he repeats watching mesmerized. It's sweet and heartwrenching at the same time. His sense of wonder is so endearing but his lack of knowledge in basic things because of the abuse and isolation he suffered kills them. The ducks swim beneath the bridge. "Back!" Ryan shouts flapping his hands.  
Jim laughs scooping him up and walking him over to the other side to watch them swim out.  
"Duc, da daa."  
"I see baby. You like them?"  
He doesn't answer too entranced in watching them swim.

Things in the Halpert home have certainly changed, Jim thinks wryly. Picking books up off the floor. From down the hall he can hear Ryan's happy shrieking. He grins.  
"Alright, come kiss me bye I got to get to work," he says stepping in the room.  
Ryan looks up from where he's playing blocks with Pam.  
"No!" He wails.  
Jim sighs, crouching next to him. "I'll see you tonight baby."  
Ryan sobs latching around his waist.  
Jim gives him a squeeze wiping tears from his cheek.  
"Hey, what story do want tonight, huh?" He asks to distract him. "The puppy book?  
He nods sniffing.  
"Alright, you be a good boy for mommy and when I get home we'll read puppy, okay?" Pam pulls him to her lap.  
"We'll be alright," she says giving him a kiss.  
"I shouldn't be too late," he says standing. "We'll be waiting," she smiles.  
He grabs his bag closing the door gently. He hates to leave, but knowing he's providing for his family makes it all worth it.

Of course nothing stays easy for long.  
That night he and Pam are startled from sleep by Ryan wailing over the monitor. They rush to his room.  
"What's wrong baby?" Pam strokes his hair. He grabs at his tummy.  
"Tummy hurt?" She asks.  
He crys.  
She looks to Jim worried.  
"He has been straining recently," he says. "What should we do?"  
"I'll go out and buy him some baby prunes tomorrow but if it doesn't clear up we'll have to go with the enema."

Ryan fights the spoon. Strapped in his highchair specially designed for grown nurslings he bucks and twists as Jim pushes the prune puree in his mouth. He spits it back up gagging. "Mommy!" He sobs.  
"It's not working, Jim. Just stop," she sighs. He throws the container out and let's the spoon clank in the sink. He hates seeing Ryan miserable and Pam upset. "Okay," he says quietly. "Bring him back to the bedroom and I'll get him set up."  
They didn't want to have to resort to this but they're down to their last option.

"No!" he cries after they explain what's about to happen.  
"I know you dont want one darlin, but it will make you feel better I promise." He tugs his pants down.  
"Mommy."  
"Shh, you need to relax sweetheart. It'll be over soon."  
Stripping his diaper from him he spreads his legs. "Lift up a bit." He slides a pillow beneath his lower back, slicking his finger in the lubrication he gently circles his hole pressing lightly. "Mommy!" He gasps.  
"S'alright," she soothes stroking his hair.  
Circling again he presses harder until the tip of his finger breaches.  
He clenches instantly. "Daddy!" He wails.  
"Good boy," Jim hums. Sliding his finger further in and back out. "Good boy." He repeats the process a few times till Ryan relaxes. Twisting his finger he hooks his rim giving an experimental tug, placing a hand on his lower belly he works two fingers into him. "Alright I think your ready," he says sliding his fingers out and preparing the nozzle. "Okay, Daddy's gonna slide this real carefully into your bum bum and when I tell you to I want you to clench your bottom real tight for me, ok?"  
He nods sniffling.  
"Alright, here we go." It takes a little work getting the fat end of the nozzle in his tight little hole even with the stretching. He spasms and clenches around it when it's seated. "Good job," Jim breathes rubbing his belly. He let's the solution flow.  
"Daddy," he whines, little tummy expanding. "Ow."  
"It's okay, it's okay your all done. Remember to clench real tight." He pops it out, his hole closing perfectly.

"Daddy," he moans after fifteen minutes. "Is it done yet?" He sniffs.  
Jim ceases rubbing his bloated belly glancing at the clock.  
"Yep, you're almost all done," he says kissing his tummy.

He helps him to the bathroom lowering him to the toilet.  
"It's okay sweetheart, let go."  
He shakes his head panicked.  
"Honey," he says firmly.  
He whimpers and Jim sighs, reaching to place one hand on his back and the other against his belly. "Daddy's gonna help you okay?" He says pressing against his tummy.  
He cries as his muscles unclench and the saline rushes out. "Daddy!"  
"Push baby you need to potty."  
He cries all the while. "There you go. There you go," Jim murmurs against his sweaty brow. "You'll feel better now."  
He gets him cleaned up and helps him back to the bedroom.

"Alright, let me check you over then you can go to mommy."  
He lays across the bed and Jim carefully pulls his cheeks apart, brushing against his puffy hole with the tip of his finger. "Not too sore?" he asks. Ryan gives a hesitant shake.  
He pushes a finger in brushing against his smooth walls. When he determines it all feels fine he slips his finger out and smooths a cooling gel along his rim.  
"Okay," he says turning him over fastening a new diaper on.  
"All done. You did good."  
He scrabbles up the bed to Pam burying his face in her breast.  
"It's okay honey," she smiles stroking his hair. "We're so proud of you." She slips the buttons from her shirt letting him suckle. She's still dry from this morning but it's more for comfort right now.

Once he's calm Jim takes him back to his own room to put him down for a nap.  
He falls asleep quickly. Jim turns out the light, closing the door gently. He returns to Pam to find her sitting on the side of the bed buttoning her shirt. "No need to get all dressed up on my account." He grins, slipping a hand in her shirt pushing her back on the bed. He groans as her hand trails south teasing him.  
"I love you," he pants resting his head against hers.  
"Love you," she whispers tugging at his pants. He kicks them off eagerly sighing in pleasure as he pushes in.

Later that evening he steps into his coveralls zipping the front and smoothing the chest pocket embroidered with his name and company seal, agra's pipe work and repair, and grabs his tool bag. Moving to the night shift has been an adjustment but it's worth it to be here during the day to help Pam and spend time with Ryan.  
He heads for the nursery to say goodnight. Pam has his bedtime routine all worked out and is finishing rubbing his arms in baby lotion when he comes in. He looks at him in the soft lighting, lying on a towel fresh from his bath, damp hair slicked down and curling beneath his ears. He smiles. He doesn't even think hes a bit biased when he says they have the most beautiful baby.  
Pam drags a plush rattle down his chest using it to tickle him. He squirms and grins kicking.  
"Tease,"Jim says leaning in the doorway.  
"He likes being tickled. Don't you baby." She gets behind his knee making him twist away. "Daa." He reaches for Jim.  
He's glad to see there's no hard feelings from earlier.  
He lifts him up nuzzling those sweet curls. "Feel better?"  
He nods yawning against his shoulder.  
"Let's get you tucked in sleepy boy." He lays him in his crib tugging the blankets up. "Night night darling," he says stroking his hair. "I'll see you in the morning, alright."  
"Nigh' da'daa."  
Jim smiles turning the light out.  
Stepping in the hall with Pam he brushes her hair back and kisses her deeply. "Dont wait up."  
"We'll see," she smirks.

He drags through the front door exhausted. The late night railer was an hour late and the automated machines kept spitting out his punch card. He sighs closing the door quietly. He's immediately aware of the drop in temperature. Scrubbing a hand across his face he sighs once more. The pilot light's out in the heater again. It's always something he thinks setting his bag down and moving to the kitchen.  
Tugging the rusted cover he gives the bottom a smack with his hand before it pops off clattering to the floor. He winces as the sound of metal reverberates off the hard floor. He struggles to get it lit, cursing as he burns his hand. Finally it catches and he snaps the cover back into place moving to the sink to wash his hands. After, he goes to check on Ryan.  
He finds him curled tight beneath the blankets and decides to carry him back to bed with him where he'll be warmer tucked between him and Pam.

He kicks his shoes off and shucks his uniform falling into bed beside them. Mentally running over the list of things he needs to do tomorrow.  
It's not exactly the future they planned for, living in the squal, adopting, late nights, and a home always in need of repair.

It's not perfect. Nothing is ever perfect, he decides. But it's theirs, and that's alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Be sure to check out my other works


End file.
